It is said that roaming the lands surrounding Valhal there are small and fuzzy creatures known to the Heathens only as 'toys', yet known to The Mom and The Dad as shrews. Odin loves to predate these creatures, as they squeek and run when he pounces upon them. Baldr loves them for they are crunchy and The Mom and The Dad play the beloved chasing game when he has acquired one. But there comes a time in every young dog's life where the they feel the primal need to move on to larger prey. For most this urge is satisfied with a squeeky toy or a stuffie that gives The Best Thing Ever when ripped to bits for its fluff. But for those dwelling within Valhal such things would not do.
One evening The Dad heard a cry from the yard behind Valhal. He went to investigate to see Baldr running toward him with something large, fuzzy, and arguably dead, hanging limply in his mouth. When Baldr dropped the thing at the feet of The Dad the human was startled when the thing got up and began to try to run. Odin thought this was a fine game and recaught the apparently undead creature and ran further into the dark of the yard, chased by The Dad. Finally The Dad was able to force Odin to drop the zombie and get into the house. Only to turn and see Baldr trotting inside with the undead monster. Thankfully one loud yell was able to make the golden heathen of Derp drop the beast and run into the safety of Valhal.
With the Heathens contained The Mom and The Dad ventured into the yard to determine just *what* had broken the piece of the yard with its presence. Only to see the now thrice killed creature making its slow way though the fence. The Mom then determined that playing dead is perhaps the smartest survival instinct that could exist, and that she is quite glad she did not have to clean up half eaten Possum from Valhal.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
On the Intelligence of Heathens
It has long been said in Valhal that if we were to average the minds of Odin and Baldr we would have a dog of normal intelligence.
Baldr is a creature of simple mind and simple joys. Every creature is his best friend and every food or toy is his favorite thing ever. Commands and language escape his feeble understanding, though he tries as hard as he can to properly worship the god known as The Mom and The Dad. His only wish in life is to please, even when he does not know how. He is full of the quality known only as Derp and is its patron deity.
Odin on the other hand. Odin is possessed of a shrewd mind. He knows precisely what is desired of him, however he only follow commands when it pleases him. He is a master of the art of selective hearing. He knows the language of The Mom and The Dad and is frustrated by his lack of vocal cords and thumbs. He frequently (correctly) responds to commands of 'left' or 'right' when allowed to amble about with The Dad. Yet steadfastly refuses to understand commands such as 'no' or 'down'.
When combined the Heathens present a unique challenge. Odin will frequently figure out mischief, yet knows he will get in trouble should he follow through. So he convinces Baldr and tricks him into getting in trouble with The Mom and The Dad.
Baldr is a creature of simple mind and simple joys. Every creature is his best friend and every food or toy is his favorite thing ever. Commands and language escape his feeble understanding, though he tries as hard as he can to properly worship the god known as The Mom and The Dad. His only wish in life is to please, even when he does not know how. He is full of the quality known only as Derp and is its patron deity.
Odin on the other hand. Odin is possessed of a shrewd mind. He knows precisely what is desired of him, however he only follow commands when it pleases him. He is a master of the art of selective hearing. He knows the language of The Mom and The Dad and is frustrated by his lack of vocal cords and thumbs. He frequently (correctly) responds to commands of 'left' or 'right' when allowed to amble about with The Dad. Yet steadfastly refuses to understand commands such as 'no' or 'down'.
When combined the Heathens present a unique challenge. Odin will frequently figure out mischief, yet knows he will get in trouble should he follow through. So he convinces Baldr and tricks him into getting in trouble with The Mom and The Dad.
Monday, July 8, 2013
The Facehuggers of Doom
Woe! Woe had come to Valhal! Truly the day of Ragnarok had come where all bonds of trust were broken and the end of the world was here! For this day The Mom and The Dad had brought the the hallowed halls of Valhal an evil most foul. Devices of torture known as 'gentle leaders'. The contraption looped around the noses and behind the ears of the poor defenseless Heathens and removed all their power to pull.
Odin strove to remove the instrument of indignity. But alas The Dad anticipated his attempts and the halter remained firmly in place.
Baldr let his agony be known by flinging himself upon the cold earth and rolling in a long drawn out show of despair.
The Mom and The Dad were unmoved. The faces of the Heathens remained bound. The Mom was most pleased as she could now lead both Heathens about on leashes without allowing them the joy of racing down the land surrounding Valhal with her but a helpless weight bobbing behind them.
In revenge for his shame Odin demonstrated to The Mom and The Dad that no mere fences could contain him. He decided that the best way to prove that he remained with them only by his whim was to fling open the gate containing the land behind Valhal and stroll out to freedom in front of The Dad. Who was justly not amused. He pounced on the wayward pup and carried him, singing the song of the Unloved Northern People back into the walls of Valhal. For this act of insolence Odin must now wear the Facehugger Harness of Shame on all walks, and the Leash of Stay-In-The-Damn-Yard whenever outside the watchful eye of either The Mom or The Dad.
He remains unamused.
Baldr ate of the Garbage and remained overflowing with Derp.
Odin strove to remove the instrument of indignity. But alas The Dad anticipated his attempts and the halter remained firmly in place.
Baldr let his agony be known by flinging himself upon the cold earth and rolling in a long drawn out show of despair.
The Mom and The Dad were unmoved. The faces of the Heathens remained bound. The Mom was most pleased as she could now lead both Heathens about on leashes without allowing them the joy of racing down the land surrounding Valhal with her but a helpless weight bobbing behind them.
In revenge for his shame Odin demonstrated to The Mom and The Dad that no mere fences could contain him. He decided that the best way to prove that he remained with them only by his whim was to fling open the gate containing the land behind Valhal and stroll out to freedom in front of The Dad. Who was justly not amused. He pounced on the wayward pup and carried him, singing the song of the Unloved Northern People back into the walls of Valhal. For this act of insolence Odin must now wear the Facehugger Harness of Shame on all walks, and the Leash of Stay-In-The-Damn-Yard whenever outside the watchful eye of either The Mom or The Dad.
He remains unamused.
Baldr ate of the Garbage and remained overflowing with Derp.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Freedom
It is said that every once in a while the Heathen known as Odin feels an ancestral stirring in his blood. He longs to roam free, unconfined by the fence that surrounds his yard. He needs to feel the wind in his fur, the earth beneath his feet, hear the call of the enraged Mom as she chases his fluffy butt. It is in these times that no mere fence can contain his determination. When the time is right he slips beneath, through a hole he'd dug in secret. He spares one last glance back as his yard, then turns and runs as fast as his feet can take him.
The moment he'd chosen was a good one. The Mom was distracted and at first did not notice her yard was lacking in a one year old husky that she had put there moments before. She didn't see which way he had gone. Odin had bought a few more moments of precious freedom. The Mom triple checks the yard, just to be sure he isn't hiding in the dog house or under the garage, but alas he is gone.
With the Heathen known as Baldr safely in his crate The Hunt begins. The Mom races around the block in the summer heat, dressed for work and wearing heels, frantically searching for her wayward Heathen. To no avail. Without having seen which direction he'd taken off in she had no idea where to begin looking. She called The Dad, for though he was at work, he was always the better Odin hunter and she had no other ideas. She called for Odin. The gas station on the corner gave her cookies to tempt the fuzzy asshole back to her. Worried and terrified for her pup she begins home.
Odin hears The Mom calling his name. But she does not chase him. This game is no longer fun. He begins to answer her call with his own.
"Odin!"
"ARUUU!"
The Mom turns up her driveway toward the sound, hearing his cry and fearing the worst. Only to see him wiggle his way back under the fence into the safety of his yard and come running to the gate to greet her.
Neither The Mom nor The Dad were amused.
The moment he'd chosen was a good one. The Mom was distracted and at first did not notice her yard was lacking in a one year old husky that she had put there moments before. She didn't see which way he had gone. Odin had bought a few more moments of precious freedom. The Mom triple checks the yard, just to be sure he isn't hiding in the dog house or under the garage, but alas he is gone.
With the Heathen known as Baldr safely in his crate The Hunt begins. The Mom races around the block in the summer heat, dressed for work and wearing heels, frantically searching for her wayward Heathen. To no avail. Without having seen which direction he'd taken off in she had no idea where to begin looking. She called The Dad, for though he was at work, he was always the better Odin hunter and she had no other ideas. She called for Odin. The gas station on the corner gave her cookies to tempt the fuzzy asshole back to her. Worried and terrified for her pup she begins home.
Odin hears The Mom calling his name. But she does not chase him. This game is no longer fun. He begins to answer her call with his own.
"Odin!"
"ARUUU!"
The Mom turns up her driveway toward the sound, hearing his cry and fearing the worst. Only to see him wiggle his way back under the fence into the safety of his yard and come running to the gate to greet her.
Neither The Mom nor The Dad were amused.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
The Fiber Beasts
It is said that with every coming of spring the mighty dogs known as Huskys go though a remarkable change. Their thick undercoat falls away to reveal, well, a smaller dog. It is at this time that the great migration of the creatures known only as 'dust bunnies' begin. They gather in corners and on stairs. Under furniture and behind doors. Some times the creatures have even been known to levitate. Their only natural predator is a clumsy ineffective beast known as 'vacuum'. Prone to clogs with a natural predilection for hiding to avoid the sight of humans it is poor suited for its overwhelming task.
This is where The Spinner thrives. Armed only with brush and spindle she harvests the undercoat of the husky, and their hybreds, and turns it into yarn usable to make hats and line mittens. Some Spinners choose to share their lives with sheep to have a never ending supply of wool on hand for their craft. Some, like your humble author, are content to spin off their dog. To avoid having to hunt down the vacuum.
Life with canine shaped overlords is not always so productive however. Sometimes there are casualties. Apparently in addition to shedding their undercoat in the spring huskys and their hybreds feel the need to imitate the noble butterfly and wrap themselves in a cocoon of silk. Unable to produce such a cocoon themselves they seek another source.
A cone of weaving yarn catches their eye. Its 2,000 yards of lace weight silver silk will make a fine casing for their transformation from dogs to charming throw rugs. The cone is oblivious to their approach, its defender, the human known as "Mom" is no where to be seen. It is easy prey. But lo! The cone fights back! Its yardage now a hindrance as the Heathens struggle to properly wrap themselves while lacking thumbs. But the fight is lost. Now, hopelessly tangled together, the Heathens can only cry piteously from their predicament. Unable, as they are, to rise from the floor with legs tied together and tied to one another. They must fling themselves upon the mercy of Mom who would have found this all hysterical had it not happened with her yarn, and were she not the one who must untangle two squirming miserable Heathens.
When freed Odin, the purely husky Heathen, shows proper remorse with an offer of the belly and an humble request that if he must complete his transformation to a throw rug to please take his brother first. Baldr, the Heathen of uncertain parentage but whose linage has probably seen both lab and husky who frequently drinks deep of the fountain of derp, has already forgotten his troubles. He was wandered off in search of noms. Leaving Mom to begin the painful, painful, process of untangling her precious silk in hopes of finishing a shawl for her own mother.
This is where The Spinner thrives. Armed only with brush and spindle she harvests the undercoat of the husky, and their hybreds, and turns it into yarn usable to make hats and line mittens. Some Spinners choose to share their lives with sheep to have a never ending supply of wool on hand for their craft. Some, like your humble author, are content to spin off their dog. To avoid having to hunt down the vacuum.
Life with canine shaped overlords is not always so productive however. Sometimes there are casualties. Apparently in addition to shedding their undercoat in the spring huskys and their hybreds feel the need to imitate the noble butterfly and wrap themselves in a cocoon of silk. Unable to produce such a cocoon themselves they seek another source.
A cone of weaving yarn catches their eye. Its 2,000 yards of lace weight silver silk will make a fine casing for their transformation from dogs to charming throw rugs. The cone is oblivious to their approach, its defender, the human known as "Mom" is no where to be seen. It is easy prey. But lo! The cone fights back! Its yardage now a hindrance as the Heathens struggle to properly wrap themselves while lacking thumbs. But the fight is lost. Now, hopelessly tangled together, the Heathens can only cry piteously from their predicament. Unable, as they are, to rise from the floor with legs tied together and tied to one another. They must fling themselves upon the mercy of Mom who would have found this all hysterical had it not happened with her yarn, and were she not the one who must untangle two squirming miserable Heathens.
When freed Odin, the purely husky Heathen, shows proper remorse with an offer of the belly and an humble request that if he must complete his transformation to a throw rug to please take his brother first. Baldr, the Heathen of uncertain parentage but whose linage has probably seen both lab and husky who frequently drinks deep of the fountain of derp, has already forgotten his troubles. He was wandered off in search of noms. Leaving Mom to begin the painful, painful, process of untangling her precious silk in hopes of finishing a shawl for her own mother.
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